The Amazing Things I Learned About Myself When I Decided to Give More
How an experiment in giving more improved my life and relationships.
I never considered myself the giving type. I didn’t bake fresh cookies for my friends. I didn’t spend my weekends volunteering at the soup kitchen. I never raised my hand to take ownership of a project at work. And to be honest, I was happy not doing any of these things. But other people found real joy in these acts.
While others were praised for their fresh cookies, volunteer devotion, and ownership of projects, I stood on the outside, a little resentful. Was something missing in me? Were they selfless? Was I selfish?
A friend of mine told me about how he started giving more to charity during a health and wellness challenge. One of the ways to earn points for the contest was to donate to charity. He would pop a dollar here and there, wherever there was a cashier and a little sign asking for a donation. He said he was happy he did it. After the challenge ended, he continued to do it.
I thought, maybe I should try this giving thing on for size. I always felt guilty saying no to people asking me to donate. My stomach would turn a little when I avoided looking at homeless men and women on the street asking for help. Maybe giving was the answer.
The evidence for giving
There was anecdotal and scientific evidence that giving was the way to more happiness and success in life. It seemed counterintuitive that the more you gave the more you got, but researchers and thought leaders were proving it to be true.
In Keith Ferazzi’s book Never Eat Alone, he credits a great part of his success to helping others in his network. In Give and Take, Adam Grant showed that people who donated more money to charity ended up being wealthier: the more they gave, the wealthier they became. Moreover, givers tended to be more successful, overall. As for baking cookies, I didn’t read anything about it improving your life, but people sure did appreciate the gesture.
The experiment with giving
So I decided to experiment with giving more and find out what would happen in my personal and professional life. Would I become more successful, happier, wealthier, a baker?
I started out by donating to charity. I got 100 one-dollar bills from the local bank. I was sure the teller thought I was heading to the local strip club. I started out by giving to people asking for money on the street and tipping buskers. Then I started giving to other more prominent organizations, like for cancer research or helping kids in need.
After doing this for many months, I decided to move on to asking people at work if they needed help. Then I went on to my LinkedIn Network and asked my connections if they needed help with anything.
After giving in different capacities for a year this is what I learned.
Giving can take many forms
My first insight was my idea of giving had been too limited. For years, I thought generosity was just things like donations to cure cancer, volunteering to help people on weekends, offering to take on more work, or bringing in doughnuts. Giving was these things, yes, but it was also so much more.
Giving was more than money or sweets. Giving was really about freely offering your time, money, or expertise to someone without an expectation of a reciprocal return. I discovered I had been giving to people without knowing it. I just never considered it giving. I just considered it being a decent human being or doing the right thing.
For me, giving manifested by being available to listen to a friend in need, helping someone with their writing, offering to brainstorm with a colleague, or giving advice from my expertise to someone in my network. It could be an act of kindness like holding doors for people, letting someone in during traffic, or offering directions to someone who was lost. Giving could be taking the time to really see a person, by talking to a cashier at the convenience store instead of just treating them as a change dispenser.
Giving creates meaningful connections
When I started giving more, I realized giving was connecting. Giving wasn’t just a financial transaction. When I gave on a personal level, I could see how I was changing lives and felt more invested in the result of my actions. Not only that but the connection was a positive reinforcer to give again.
When I donated to someone’s birthday charity on Facebook, I would get a rush of excitement when I saw the joy it brought my friend. When I offered my expertise to someone on LinkedIn to help with their project or review their writing, I felt like I was improving lives. I could see and feel the immediate impact of my expertise in their life.
On the other hand, I found some types of giving didn’t create connection. When I donated to worthy causes like the Bail Project, Movember, or Save the Children, I never saw the change I was making. I felt good in an abstract way, but since I didn’t meet the people I was helping, I didn’t feel a connection. I didn’t get that positive reinforcement that made me want to continue giving.
Giving increases joy
Joy is the best reward of giving. For me, the joy came in two ways: one was the joy from the impact I made on the person; second was the joy of doing something I loved in my area of expertise.
For giving, I realized it’s most impactful when you produce joy — in both the giver and the receiver. If it doesn’t, you might end up bitter and resentful. For example, I have a friend at work who gives all the time. My friend brings in goodies, helps others with their work, and is always giving of her expertise. The only problem is she is exhausted and sometimes resentful from all the giving she does.
So when you choose to give, give from joy. If giving doesn’t produce joy in you, then you’re either subtracting happiness from the world or subtracting happiness from yourself. But when you do things that benefit you and the receiver, you’re doubling the joy in the world. There is always some form of giving that will you bring you and others joy — it’s just a matter of finding it.
Giving increases your opportunity of receiving
It turns out the counterintuitive evidence of giving is true. The more I gave, the more I got.
The more love I gave to my friends, the more I received. The more respect I showered on my colleagues, the more support and respect for my ideas I got in return. When I lent a hand to people in my network, I enjoyed more opportunities of collaboration. And when I started giving more money, I started earning more money.
After a year of focusing on giving, my life is better. Giving to others didn’t change my feeling about donating to big charities, increase my desire to volunteer in hospitals, or encourage me to spend more time in the kitchen baking pastries for my friends. I’m fine not being a part of that.
Instead, focusing on giving made me realize I had been giving all along in my own way. And by giving more, I now enjoy closer connections with my friends, better relationships with my colleagues, and more collaboration with my network. I’m not saying these things will happen to you if you give, but I do believe the science was right and your life will be bettered in some way.
Kyle Crocco calls himself the Chief Creative at BigSpeakSpeakers Bureau and loves to rock it out as the lead singer of Duh Professors. He regularly publishes content about business thought leaders and personal growth on Medium, Business 2 Community, and Born 2 Invest.
