6 Most Effective Ways to Avoid Being Hurt inYour Relationships
Do you remember what happened the last time you shared something personal about yourself with someone? It could have been about politics (you didn’t vote), education (you never finished school), or job experience (you are a trained assassin). Sometimes we offer a little tidbit as a trial balloon and sometimes we overshare about our love for Justin Timberlake. Either way, one of three things happen: you got closer (hey, I’ve killed my fair share of war criminals too), you get blanked (so what about Justin Timberlake), or you get rebuffed (What do you mean you didn’t vote?!).
Being vulnerable is hard. That’s why we love our comfort zones, trick them out with soft pillows, and think about tearing down a wall to expand, rather than stepping out to try new things. Better the devil you know and all that.
If you’re like me, you’ve mastered the methods of avoiding taking chances with people. Maybe you’ve become the count of conversational side steps, the duchess of dodging questions, or the master of misdirections. I sometimes find myself denying things more than a political flunky at a public congressional hearing. The result is I might fit in at work, school, or a Rastafarian rally, but I never truly feel like I belong or that someone really “gets me.”
Many times I’ve avoided making a connection for fear of possible rejection. Here are six methods I employed to be invulnerable so I wouldn’t have any pain or awkward moments. Maybe you’ve done the same in your own relationships.
Avoidance
Avoidance is making sure you’re never in a situation where you have to share your feelings. You don’t lose the battles you never fight, after all. When you avoid, you never offer to share about yourself and you don’t share when asked. It’s like when your partner, friend, or boss wants to talk about something important and you can’t find the time. You say, “So sorry, busy schedule. Can’t do it.” You wait the person out until they either give up or give in. I’ve used this in every relationship or situation I can remember.
Misdirection
Misdirection is putting the focus back on others. You can conversationally misdirect by answering a question with a question or changing the topic. Like when you have a bad weekend or holiday. Instead of sharing it, you ask how the other person’s went and then keep asking them questions. This has the bonus of making you look really interested in other people’s lives when really you just don’t want to share your own.
Minimization
Minimize is to devalue the importance of something. It’s the “Oh, I got a ticket for speeding, but it’s okay” (even though my insurance will go up and I don’t have the money to pay for it.) Or the “My partner just left me but that’s fine because I needed more alone time anyway.” Minimizing cuts off any discussion so you can move on to another topic, so you don’t have to really share how you feel. So you can stay protected and safe.
Joking
Joking is to avoid, misdirect, and minimize by entertaining someone. So every time a moment becomes awkward or uncomfortable, you make a joke. It’s when your Mom dies and you say at least she won’t nag me anymore. Or when Princess Leia says I love you and Han Solo says I know. When the other person laughs, you distance yourself from the pain for a moment. I used this all the time. It’s my favorite shield.
Omission
Omission is simply not mentioning something. It’s when someone asks about your weekend and instead of mentioning the fight with the neighbor, falling in love with your best friend’s girlfriend, or accidentally killing someone and having to bury the body in a field somewhere, you just say you saw the new Quentin Tarantino film. People think you’re sharing, but all your doing is staying safe and comfortable in your armor.
Denial
Denial is not admitting something to yourself. Like how it’s everybody else at work who has the problem, not you. Or that it’s normal to wake up in a dumpster from time to time: everybody does it. Or you aren’t really in love with your best friend’s girlfriend — it’s just a phase.
I do this all the time when I’m injured. I don’t tell anyone and certainly don’t see a doctor. I say I’m fine. I mean, if you don’t admit it to yourself, then it’s not true, right? And you certainly don’t have to share it with anyone else. Even better, you don’t even have to do anything about it.
So, there you have it, the six patent-pending techniques for being invulnerable in relationships. Maybe you also use these techniques to protect yourself from friends, family, or your significant other. If you do and want to get out of your armor to connect more, this is what I do.
The first step for me was to recognize when I was using one of those six techniques. These days when I hear myself thinking of something funny to say, I stop and ask myself: “Am I just being funny or being defensive?” Or when someone asks me a question as simple as “How’s it going,” I pause before I give a safe response and think if I have something more meaningful to share.
The second step is actually stepping out of the comfort zone, taking off some of your armor, and being vulnerable. This is the hard part. You might wonder, how much do you have to reveal? Do I need to tell everybody everything about my life? Or is it okay to pick and choose?
One of my favorite authors on vulnerability, Brené Brown talks about this in her book Daring Greatly. She suggests sharing in small steps. Kind of like doing experiments. And only with people who you feel worthy of hearing your story. By revealing in small steps and choosing people who matter, you build trust and also find out who your tribe is.
These days, I take more chances. Don’t get me wrong, I still get blanked and rebuffed from time to time. But that’s less often than you think and more to do with Justin Timberlake than me. More often, I connect with someone I didn’t expect or go deeper with someone I already know. And that’s worth it. Every time.
Kyle Crocco is the Chief Creative at BigSpeak Speakers Bureau and the lead singer of the Santa Barbara power-pop band Duh Professors. He regularly publishes content about business thought leaders and personal growth on Medium, Business 2 Community, and Born 2 Invest.
